kyliejo

177 at WW this morning. Back and forth with my weight. I KNOW why things happen, I am eating better then I ever have. WW is making me look at fat content and I think I was really bad with that before.

I am cooking more, eating out less. I am eating more veggies. BUT excuse after excuse.

This last week has been crazy.

Mon-rotation, came down with a cold

Tues-drove to Springfield, MO for a funeral, felt like crap and thought about maybe not even going but I perked up and moved on to driving to Jeff City, MO that night

Wed-in Jeff City, tried to drink a ton of hot tea, felt better

Thur-felt almost completely better, amazingly, had 2 job interviews

Fri-had 2 more job interviews

 I am just glad I didn’t stay sick and my 0.6 lb gain isn’t bad for the week I had. I am just mad at myself b/c it’s like I almost start moving towards 175 and then I screw up or life gets crazy.

I am arming myself with lots of good food for this upcoming week. I went to the store and am making a lot of WW things. I already made the mistake of having a sundae to find out the point value was INSANE and shot most of my extra points SO I am going to have to work out to make up for it.

In terms of working out and staying active, I am doing really well. Last week I didn’t do anything Mon-Wed but I was sick so…another reason for my gain. I was over 20 points on WW so I knew, I am not shocked or anything…just mad at myself.

I know it’s important to not dwell on things like this so I am moving on, hoping this week is calmer. I am not sick anymore so that will help a lot.

WW meeting are really good for me. I have been going 2 times a week, I didn’t get to go twice last week.

I am getting more toned and losing inches, for sure…even if my weight is stuck. I am very close to having collar bones. I am needing to get medium exercise pants/yoga pants soon.

So I am doing ok. I am just going to be happy when I sign my contract for a job and life settles down. I graduate May 8th!

So I met with my work today. I don’t think I am going to get a job with them and even if  do, they want to pay me a LOT less than most other places. They blame the budget and blah blah….they laid off more people, cut paid time off, slashed benefits. The shit is really hitting the fan. YET our hospital has been the best financially it has been in years?! The CEO still has her own private office downtown so she doesn’t have to drive far. BS.

I was disapointed, my boss was sad. They need help, they want to hire me but they can’t.

So back to square one. I may have an interview with a guy who owns several independent pharmacies around town. I heard he has an opening.

I just didn’t think I would go to school for 8 years, get my doctorate and not be able to find work. I know there is demand but companies are making people work short staffed and longer hours. Sucks.

I am trying not to eat. I keep eating 1 point foods and waiting to see if I am still hungry or not. I know that turning to a big muffin or cake or whatever is not going to solve my problem. Wow, my brain is ACTUALLY listening. I guess if anything I am proud I have accomplished that.

I am worried but I am not going to be too worried until I get my license. I can’t get it until June so I don’t really need to have a job until then. A lot can happen in that amount of time. I have lots of experience, am gradating cum laude…I should be able to find something!

I have worked very very hard this week. I hope it pays off on the scale. I have done exercise for at least 45 min a day, stuck to my points, chosen smarter snacks/more filling foods. I am technically over 7 points this week but I still tracked it all. Who knows, maybe I can burn those off by midnight? I am just emotionally and physically beat today.

WW is going well.  Technically on their plan I have lost -3.5 lbs since starting. BUT I am still not at my lowest. 171 is my lowest, I am at 177. Once I get past 171 then I will feel victory BUT at one point I was like at 184 or 185 so I have lost weight. My husband today asked me how much I have lost b/c he said I look smaller.

I got some new clothes last weekend, my work clothes were getting faided and big. I got mediums and larges. I wore my size 12 pants today and they weren’t tight on my stomach.

Another thing stressing me out is I am super worried about my friend. We have gone to school together for 7 years (we did undergrad together) and he was telling me how his dad had been ill but it wasn’t horrible or anything. Well…his dad passed away during surgery yesterday. My friend is an only child. It is just him and his mom. It is like a huge shock. I feel so bad for my friend. I get tears in my eyes everytime I think about it. My friend is like “I really wanted him to see me graduate” and he texted me today telling me about how he had to buy a burial plot and stuff. I know his parents didn’t have much money. My friend doesn’t either but he has loans. He is also looking for a job. His dad was a big tall guy, always lived a healthy active life. So crazy. It made me think about my mom. My mom has been through a lot, almost lost her foot like 3 times. BUT she is still here. To one day have your parent then the next have them gone. Even if my mom lost her foot she would still be alive. I even told my friend to bring his parents to my graduation party since he didn’t have much family and no one else was really coming to his graduation so I told him to just share mine.

I just feel like a lot of “real world” situations are happening and I don’t want to deal with them. It makes me want to hide. I haven’t cried today but have felt like it like 5 times. When I was talking to my work I felt like crying. It is like you work for a company and bust your butt and work extra and then poof…the only thing in life you can really count on is your friends and family.

So it’s been a hard week and I feel like I don’t even have an inkling of how my friend feels. I wish I could take away some of his hurt.

I guess it’s reality. You make a plan, try to follow through. You think you will get a degree and do this or that. You don’t think you will lose loved ones. Then the rug is pulled out from under you.

I don’t have enough life experience to know everything will be okay and will work out. Right now it feels like this will never end.

So the theme this week is about buddies and I love my WW lady, she is crazy. She made it a cowboy theme and had red boots and the whole deal on. She started singing some cowboy song at the end of the class and I seriously looked around b/c I wanted to laugh out loud!!! Everyone else looked pleased by it so I tried to stare at the carpet so I wouldn’t laugh. haha

So I weighed in today, 178.8….my body’s fav #. That is with TOM though which messes it all up. The lady at the counter said “good loss” b/c I lost 2.2 from last week but that wasn’t real b/c it was nighttime when I weighed in there and I had lost the week before what I had gained so…really this loss was the loss I lost 2 weeks ago…if that makes sense to anyone!

So today was good. I had some Macy’s gift cards so I went shopping for some new shirt and stuff for work/rotation. A lot of my cardigans and sweaters are too big now and I am having to get rid of them b/c I can wrap them around myself almost twice. I got a lot of nice things on sale. I also got a few things from Ann Taylor, the entire store was 40% off (even sale items). I brought a variety of sizes. Some larges, some mediums. I go by the fit b/c I still do have a large chest

I tried to go to the PINK store to see maybe I could fit into their bras, nope. I also can’t fit into the Victoria’s Secret sports bra which makes NO sense to me…aren’t those the people who need it the MOST??? Stupid.

The mall had SOOOO many treats. Roasted sugar nuts, pretzels, cookies, popcorn, ice cream. I got a small amaretto chocolate gelato and split it with my sister. For lunch I got screwed b/c  I had to go to this pizza place with the inlaws. I ordered a salad with dressing on the side and tried not to eat the pile of cheese they put on top. I also shared a “st louis style” thin crust cheese pizza with everyone. Had 4 small squares. Took one bite of the cheesy bread. Didn’t get any ice cream.

I did fall for a STUPID peanut butter egg at my mom’s, 4 points. Poo.

For dinner, my husband wanted to go out so we went to this new place, SmashBurger. I ordered the rosemary fries (ate 1/2 the order, it was a small order too) and got the 1/3 lb mushroom swiss burger. I ate half of it. I gave all the rest of my food to my husband. I was hungry when I got home so I had some kashi cereal

Tomorrow I have to go to brunch with my family. I know there will be shrimp so I plan on eating that, and fruit.

 SEE my life? No wonder I can’t lose. haha

I am proud of myself for today, it was hard.

Zumba this morning blew the top off the roof! My teacher has been slimming down too and I know she does it like almost everyday at some club. She is getting crazy endurance!! My endurance is getting pretty good too. I had to jump/hop some songs to push myself. I am trying now to focus on getting stronger. My cardio is pretty good now.

Ok well I had a lot of victories and stuff to share today.

Ok so I am back. Sort of. I am again at yet another place where everything is blocked on my computer! Not cool! So it will be hard to check in with you guys but I am going to try hard. Loni is also trying to get me to be in Heart Breakers

I love my new rotation. Really nice guy, trying to help me out with finding a job and everything.

So this week I have tried to talk myself out of logging my food a LOT but I keep pushing. I don’t like seeing the big red negative # on my online WW *but* as they say…if you don’t log accurate then you are only punishing yourself.

So I have logged. Yeah I don’t expect a loss this week. I screwed myself over this past weekend. Went out to dinner with friends and to a party that had bowl of chocolate covered almonds out. That ate up all of my extra weekly points. Then my last rotation was totally stressing me out….my eye was twitching like crazy…and I caved and got a muffin one day…had some cookies another day…it all adds up.

I got back on track but screwed up one meal each day since Wed. One thing WW has taught me is that one meal doesn’t mean your whole day is ruined. The lady said it’s like if you almost tripped down some stairs…would you grab the railing and be more careful or would you just keep going along the same OR even throw yourself down the rest of the stairs???!?! NO!!! You would say “oh crap, almost fell” and be more careful. I practiced that this week. This is my problem. Why I gain some, lose some…back and forth…every week…*ding* pin pointed my issue. Now if I could figure it out and work on it then I can get past it…

I did do a LOT of exercise this week to make up for it. I did something everyday except for today. I did new stuff like jogging, SWIMMING (yes, me…a swimsuit…) so I am proud of that. I earned 35 points just from exercise (yeah so an extra 70 points for the week I guess wasn’t enough….embarassing…)

I also now have TOM on top of it so I don’t know if I will weigh in tomorrow at the meeting.

I need to still go and tomorrow is new week for me…fresh start so let’s hope this week is better. NO, it will be!!

PS—no more eye twitching….my body is like a sensitive instrument as to my internal stress!!

So this month has completely been crazy.

My rotation has been crappy but slowly getting better…though it is over in 3 days. THANK GOD.

I have to drive 50 min each way, am there for 8 hours then come home and have hours of crap to do. On top of trying to stick with my exercise and eating…doesn’t leave much time.

I really have missed being here and feel like a bad buddy for real.

I wonder how everyone is doing…I have logged on a few times and read a few blogs. I saw the one Heather said something about me and how I haven’t been around lately made me sad b/c I miss everyone.

See I have limited access to the internet at the hospital. I can read stuff but can’t log on. I can’t check my email. Sucks.

So how have I been?

Well I am still doing good on WW. It is actually a lot like here except face to face. It’s like you get in what you get out. I try to speak up and go along with it all. If she says “who here has logged their food everyday?” I raise my hand and ask for a sticker. I am trying to engage and do it all.

I think I am going to start going to meetings 2 times a week. I went to one last Wed (due to not being able to go this Sat due to a school event) and really liked it. It seems I need some motivation around Wed anyways.

I had lost almost 4 lbs, putting me at 176 but then gained it back when I found out I didn’t get the residency program I wanted. This past week I have been working my butt off and now am back to 176. I am ready to move on. The lowest I ever got was 171, that was June of 2009.

Weight watchers reminds me of the Body Bugg (what 24 hour fitness sells). It forces you to see if you are + or - in terms of calories/points/whatever. It’s damn hard sometimes. Like this past week I used up all my points, even my exercise points and knew if I wanted to eat over my 24 points (which I ALWAYS do) then I am going to need to work out an extra day because I ate too many earlier in the week.

I think it’s working for me because if I am going insane or wanting to fall down then I can go to a meeting and it’s like going to a motivational speaker. Even when I fell hard and was eating everything, I made myself go on that Sat, weigh in and face the music. I turned it around that day.

I think I have learned a lot of good tips too. I have noticed I am not “cheating” the counting calorie system anymore. If candy is 200 cals and fruit and steak is 200 cals then I would say they are equal in calorie’s eyes. In WW points they are night and day. I am all about quantity of food, I like to eat and eat more. I have been eating a ton more fruits and veggies because I want to eat more. It’s like…do I want a muffin for 7 points or do I want a sandwich, Sunchips,  a salad, and a milk for 7 points? I think it’s helping. It’s not easy though. I went out to dinner with my friends last night and then went to a party. I have used up ALL of my extra 35 flex points for the week. Yeah it sucks but it means I am going to have to work out Mon, Tues, Thur, and maybe Fri. I did work out today too. Yes I could stick with my 24 points but that sucks. I like to eat a minimum of 28-30 points.

I think I may beat this thing. I guess as long as nothing too major emotionally happens I should be on my way down on the scale. The only major thing happening is I will graduate in May, but that is a happy thing. I am also semi looking for a job, it sounds like something may work out with my current job so that is good. That is stressful but also happy.

I just cannot take being disapointed for a while. I feel better since my job wants to hire me but I am still scared in this economy. Yes we are busy as crap and making a ton of $$ for the hospital but that doesn’t mean they want to hire another pharmacist. If they can squeeze blood from a turnip then they will.

So I guess I am doing good. Next month I will have my own cubicle with computer so I will be able to be online more. The bad thing is my preceptor already emailed me and told me there is a luncheon the day I get there and he wants to take me to lunch on Monday. I heard he takes the students out to lunch a lot….poo.

Ok I am going to catch up a little bit before I have to go to bed. I hope I find some losses on here

So this month has been pretty crappy. My preceptor who is in charge of me at this hospital is just mean. I work my ass off and come home and work on crap all night, every night. I haven’t been able to really get on here or catch up with anyone

I also found out today I didn’t get a residency. Yes, I will still become a pharmacist but I won’t be going on to complete a clinical training residency. Well….maybe. There are 2 places in St. Louis and 1 place in Springfield, MO that also didn’t fill their positions and I have a phone interview with one of the St. Louis places tomorrow. BUT that means leaving my husband and family for a year and living in St. Louis. I don’t know how I feel about that.

So after I found out I didn’t get my residency I basically cried on and off during the morning, calling people and telling them the news. Since it is a holiday people brought treats in. OH and they were also celebrating my birthday (yes it was this past Sunday, I am now 26) and another guy’s birthday. They had cookies and crap all over. I stuffed several cookies in my mouth then I started eating a bagel. I actually ended up leaving my rotation and coming home, I was too upset/headache. I stuffed myself then for dinner I had fries and chicken nuggets. So I guess I am not over my emotional eating BUT I promised myself and my husband tomorrow, clean slate. Get myself up and brush myself off.

So I am sorry to all my buddies, I miss your stories and updates. Few more weeks and I am done at this place. THANK GOD.

So today was my first weigh in for WW after I have been on it for a week. 0.2 lb loss!! haha I laughed out loud and the lady said “hey you could have gained this week if you didn’t have us” which was very true. I battled cookies Mon and Tues, chocolate cake on Wed, and donuts on Fri. I also am at a new place and figuring out my new schedule which is always messy. TOM also came yesterday which *usually* gives me a 5-7 lb gain (I showed my husband once to have a witness once). So…I hope for a big loss next Sat.

I did log everything but didn’t use my points very wisely. I was all smart ass like and thought I had earned a ton of points from exercise so spent heavily during the start of the week then was S.O.L. Wed-Fri and had to do some extra workouts so  could survive the rest of the week. I also didn’t look up the points before hand on the donut I had on Fri so I wasted 8 points on a chocolate cake one when I could have had 2 glazed for 10 points.

The actual meeting was really good. It was a little embarassing at first but most of the women there were my age. There were a few older women and a few men. The topic was about change and how if we eat the same thing b/c it makes us feel safe then we will get bored and may binge or get off track. It made me think about my lunch b/c I am never really excited about my lunches. They are kind of boring except for my salads. SO the lady, Kim (yes the same one from before) said our goal was to try something new and break out of our comfort zone either in terms of exercise or diet this week. So I created this meal…we shall see how it works. I bought those Orowheat sandwich thins and morningstar farms chicken patty’s and Frank’s buffalo sauce and I am going to make myself a buffalo chicken sandwich for 4 points and try that for a lunch (with other stuff too!). I also am going to try this lasagna recipe all the women were raving about. I think it is helping to hear different ideas and stuff. I am also going to try to limit myself to a turkey sandwich (what I usually have with my salad) to 2 times a week instead of everyday.

I haven’t made any friends yet but I may try to talk to this one girl next week who I sat next to.

My thoughts so far…good support, good tips, decent food log, excellent handheld books, decent online tool. I wish the online tool had everything that the handheld books had in them. I have to put a lot of my foods in by hand into the online system b/c it is pretty limited. I think they could expand their recipies for ethnic food more too for their online tool. Their stuff in there now it pretty standard. I would like to copy ethnic dishes with all the flavor and spice. I also don’t like how the online tool doesn’t tell you the grams for the serving size. Like today I wanted to put in chicken breast and it just says “3 points per breast”….ok well a chicken breast could be huge or small and I know they are basing it off of a “deck of cards” but I would like to see “chicken breast, 3 oz, 3 points”

My thoughts… :) 

The most embarassing thing EVER happened. So there was this girl in the back and she kept leaving the class and stuff. My teacher said something like “get low…for the baby!” and so I looked back and saw that girl. She was small except for her stomach. My teacher said at the end of class he was going to try to think of alternative exercise for the “mamacita” in the class and the girl finally says “I am not pregnant!”  IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS. I was like OOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I wanted to die for her. My teacher was silent for a min and then said “but you just had a baby…right?” and the girl said “yeah 6 months ago”

Well my teacher just had 2 babies, back to back and so she’s been struggling with her stomach and weight too so I know the whole story but I have been going to her for months now so that is why I know. So afterwards my teacher talked to the girl but OMG I felt so embarassed for her.

It was horrible. I felt like it happened to me. My fat does spread pretty evenly so I am not a woman who has a specific big area but I DO stuggle with my weight so I can relate 100%.

 PS– you guys cracked me up with your comments on my last blog! Yes, Heather I guess I am in your house with all the treats!

Oh and I have this rotation for the whole month of March. In April I drive to North KC (by the casinos) so about 35 min away then I am DONE!!

To burn 7 points I have to work out intensely for 45 min, like zumba…not able to talk/sing and sweating after 3 min of activity.

Becky, now it is called Momentum or something. Basically I am supposed to pick filling foods (whole grains, fruits, veggie, lean protein) #1 “filling foods”, I get 27 points a day and 35 flex points and I can eat points back by exercising too.

Oh I am tired buddies. This driving 2 hours, working 8 hours…and all for free thing is killing me.

I have been drooling over these donuts and muffins people eat in the morning. I had my breakfast on the way in and then went downstairs to get some water and ice for my cup and ended up with a muffin. A HUGE fat muffin. I ate 1/3 of it on the way up and then went into an office and devoured the rest like a mouse or something. I felt like a fatty but I really wanted that damn muffin. So they have this huge case, it’s like one they have at the grocery store and it is full of cookies, muffins, donuts, coffee cakes. I am obsessed with it. I go down there in the morning, look at it, open the door…walk away (well not this morning). I go back at lunch and look in it. I even went back this afternoon and looked in it.

I gave my muffin 7 points for the day. I figured it wasn’t the 4 point “commerical muffin” but was more like the 7 point starbucks muffin.

So I have used up ALL my extra points and have dipped into my reserve exercise points. I have to survive until Sat off my leftover points.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal but I am going to the dinner and movie thing with some friends for my birthday coming up. We are going Fri and my new “week” for WW doesn’t start until Sat. I am new to this whole point deal but I am imaging my dinner there will be like 18-22 points. I know I have been overestimating my “unknown” foods (dinner last night…don’t hit me Nancy but it was….MEXICAN)!!!!!!!! I said it was 24.5 points.

I feel like I am broke…like WW is my bank and I have insufficent funds. I have 10 points extra left over b/c I have dance tomorrow and will burn about 7 points worth.

Today they also had fried chicken sandwiches….I held tight though…

Oh and I have been reading some blogs but not while I am logged in since they have everything on the Earth blocked…so I am reading my buddies stuff but sorry, no comments.

So here is my offical day #2 of weight watchers. I don’t know if it is mental but I am feeling less hungry. I have been doing little things like instead of having a regular sandwich I make an open faced sandwich and save myself a point that can go towards something else like quaker cream brulle rice snacks (yes very good by the way, much better than caramel flavor). I am trying to fill up on “filling foods” and what not. I am feeling pretty confident and excited to what this will bring me.

So my new rotation. I walk in and within the first 2 hours they tell me there are cookies in the breakroom for this girl’s birthday. I am like OH GREAT. I had 3, they were small oatmeal. I also had one of these “cake ball” things and then when I found out the lady used a whole CAN of frosting on them, I was done. haha she basically baked a chocolate cake then mixed it with a can of frosting and then covered it in chocolate. I counted those treats as 6 points so I dipped into my weekly points again but I still have lots left PLUS exercise points.

It was boring. I basically filled the vending machine like thingy with drugs half my day and the other half my day filling and delivering meds to floors. BORING. It is really technician work but I have to know each job. All the techs love doing it which is great b/c I don’t!! They also wanted me to practice checking stuff. Yeah I am not very good! I found out all next week I will be in the IV room so that means I have to wear the hospital scrubs One of the techs told me they are clean but have stains and what not on them. Ew. I know it sounds stupid but I wonder what size I will wear hahaha

I also have to wear a full get up which I have had to wear practicing in school and it is HOT! You sweat like crazy. The joys of inpatient hospital pharmacy. The cafeteria is tiny, the salad bar was kind of crappy. They had this baked chicken I tried but I think I will be bringing my lunch from now on. I actually have a refridge and everything to use so that is really nice. My last rotation I only had 1 coat hook and it was on the other side of the hospital. A bunch of people had fries for lunch and they looked really good but I stayed strong. They do have hard boiled eggs, whole ones, which is nice. I got some spinach and one of those and made myself a little salad.

So far, so good. I am pretty tired. I have to wake up SO early b/c I have to drive far. Traffic wasn’t too bad so I can’t complain.

Hopefully no cookies tomorrow…

So I went to the store and took my handy little sliding paper scale thingy to look at stuff and decide what to get to eat. I flipped over all my usual items and viewed them using my new “points” system. I found out my beloved popcorn, while only 120 cals is 4 points!!! I was like well that is too much. I found out some other things that I thought the cals were too high, like these nut snacks for 160 cals are only 2 points due to the fiber and low fat so I got those. Maybe my whole fat, calorie, fiber ratio was screwy???

On a bad note today, I went to my step MIL’s birthday party and had a huge piece of birthday cake, spent 7 points on it.

I felt nausated afterwards due to the sugar. Not going to do that again.

So I am loaded up on my new and improved WW foods and we shall see what happens.

OH OH and my usual bread, it’s like 4 points. I found a bread, 2 slices for 1 point! Weird.

I start my new rotation tomorrow. I wish I was still off. I don’t know what triggers and bad influences await me, hopefully none.